Slowly Goes a Never-Ending Flow...

Like a brimming, black, cast-iron cauldron balanced on a shaky tripod stand, I teeter back and forth.  The momentum of life's experiences continually churn around and threaten to overflow .  The burdens of responsibility, abandonment, loss, rejection, abuse, and betrayal rise ever so slowly up to the edge of the cauldron.  My fear reaches out and steadies it to prevent all that lies beneath the surface of my facade from flowing out never-ending.  Disguised in the form of these words I have to prepare myself and pour with care to ease the spillage's effect.



At 42 years old I've spent a better part of my life crisscrossing and doubling-back on the same road and the consequences that I suffer from keep bouncing me back to the past.  The patterns and believe systems developed throughout a lifetime  - do tend to cripple me from becoming the person  I know I can be and from having a future with some peace in it.

I struggle every day to move forward.  I try to appreciate the blessings that I have in my life and the fact that they are also tying me to what I am fighting so hard to be free from.  It's difficult not to condemn others for the way they deal with their problems.  Being a true Virgo, I constantly analyze why another person decides to persist in destructive behaviour that potentially can drown me as well.  I know on one level that I should not waste my time and energy trying to figure this person out and that I need to concentrate on why I do what I do.  It's very difficult for me to not accept responsibility for others and realize that they are not my problem.  My problem is me.  I need to turn inward, face my own mistakes and learn how to improve myself.

To be truly free I have to realize that I am not responsible for someone else's actions.  I am talking about a relationship with an alcoholic here.  I have to detach myself and not permit to becoming a scape-goat and being morally bound to their responsibilities.  Only when I can hold back from such a complete involvement will I have a new sense of freedom and strength.

 Feisty Girl - Scarlette Rose - 4 mths old